Persevering Together Through Suffering

Suffering. The very idea of suffering makes most people uncomfortable, let alone the idea of suffering for an extended period of time. We can’t explain why some people have to suffer for an extended time and it is nothing we can fix. In the Christian community we seem to handle short term suffering well. We rally behind the short term sufferers. Those who lost a loved one, those in the hospital, those going through a tough time financially, etc. we find ways to support them. There is an end in sight for these people and we feel like we can get them through. Then the long sufferers come and we aren’t sure what to do. When they first start suffering we often rally because we think it will just be temporary. We think we’ll be able to fix it. We pray really hard, we ask about physical needs, we stand by them in their time of need, but then the suffering doesn’t end. He/she doesn’t heal, the relationship continues to be shattered, his/her heart isn’t fixed, and we start to feel uncomfortable. Our attempts to fix the problem don't work and our efforts seem a little pointless. At the very time the sufferer needs community the most, the community steps away. 

I know I personally was naive to the concept of long suffering until I became chronically ill. For those who don’t know my story, I was a fairly healthy and typical college kid until I developed an infection that triggered a sudden health decline which ultimately led to a diagnosis of a rare disease. Prior to becoming sick I was deeply involved in community. When I became ill my friends and community rallied. They prayed, they texted frequently, they recorded lectures, offered to drive me to appointments, etc… But when I didn’t get better people started to stop reaching out. Over the last 6.5 years I have seen my community dwindle. Only a handful of people stepped in to embrace the long suffering journey. 

I am walking through an extended season of suffering, yet I still struggle to show up for others who are walking similar paths. Through my own journey it has made me wonder “how many people have I unintentionally abandoned during his/her extended season of suffering?” I don’t believe the Christian community intentionally steps away, but rather I believe supporting those through extended seasons of suffering takes being a different kind of intentional, one that we are not used to. It takes remembering people we no longer see on the daily. It takes making time in our busy schedules. It takes being willing to be uncomfortable.

Long seasons of suffering are by their very nature uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable for those walking through and for those around. This type of suffering often can’t be fixed and our human nature is to want to fix things. Sometimes God calls us to a long season of suffering. He doesn’t call us to fix the situation and then it will be over; He calls us to faithfully persevere. Romans 12:12 says “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” (NIV). I believe that just as He calls the sufferer to be patient in affliction, He also calls the Christian community to persevere along with them. To continue to pray, continue to show up for physical needs, and continue to be there for them when they need it most. Philippians 2:3-4 “3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” (NIV).  

You might be thinking “I agree but I don’t know how to support those suffering or where to start”. Let me clue you in on a fun fact, no one really does. Suffering for an extended period of time is hard and it's a very personal experience. Those who suffer for extended seasons have different needs and different ways that it is helpful for people to show up than those who are walking through short term suffering. Here are a few suggestions I have based off of my own journey-

1. ASK the person how you can support him/her. The person may not know how you can help support him/her but you will never know unless you ask.

2. Check in frequently. Send a text, email, or phone call once a day, week, or month. It doesn’t have to be a huge long message, but a simple “Hey I am thinking about you today.”. Seasons of extended suffering can be very isolating and can often feel like you are forgotten, so having someone reach out means the world. Those who are suffering can often feel like a burden and hate having to “bother” people so others initiating contact is helpful. Even if your schedule is incredibly busy, this is a way you can easily show up for long sufferers.

3. Offer to come to him/her. Offer to sit with him/her at his/her house, offer to clean while you are there, offer to be present even when the long sufferer isn’t up for doing anything. Being present is more impactful than having the right words.

4. Learn his/her likes and dislikes so you don’t have to ask what you can get him/her. When you are walking through a season of extended suffering, sometimes answering the question “what can I get you? or how can I help?” feels impossible to answer. If you are supporting someone through a long season of suffering I recommend trying to form a list of things he/she likes as well as a list of common needs, then offering those things.

5. Don’t stop showing up when the sufferer gets silent. Those patches of quiet often mean the suffering is even harder. It is likely the time when he/she needs you most. Don’t be afraid of the silence.

It might be uncomfortable, scratch that, I know it will be uncomfortable. You likely won’t have the right words and you won’t be able to fix it. However we aren’t called to fix each other's problems, we are called to walk through them together. It's hard work, but it's important work.